Inner Monologue

Most people have some sort of internal monologue that goes on during any given moment. I've decided I must be special because I have a dialogue inside my head during any given day. I'm convinced that this second voice of mine is that of an extremely cynical, slightly cantankerous, ranty old person that I am going to grow older to be (I've resigned myself to this fact). 

Generally this second person voice makes me think of inappropriate things so I laugh at just the wrong time (up during a quiet teaching session) but sometimes the witty, offensive-isms usually confined to my cranial vault will pop out of my mouth (at equally an in opportune time) causing offence and outrage. Just so everyone is aware of the tumultuous endogenous situation I have to face on a daily basis, and the extreme self- control that I exert to contain this I have listed below a few examples of what I actually hear when retain words are spoken. 

I would apologise in advance for any offence taken but life's too short to be angry so get over it.  

Quorn - grow small man boobs and ruin your testosterone levels with every bite.
 


Game of thrones - say goodbye to your social life, the gym , or ever leaving your house again.
 


Bulimia - give me attention, give me attention, will someone please pay me attention if I just vomit a bit louder 
 


Organic milk (insert meat or yogurt or any food here) - make yourself believe you are eating healthy by spending more money 


Jimmy choo shoes (interchangeable with Ralph Lauren ties or Chloe bags) - expensive items to give you some self worth 



T shirt with your favourite sports team name - negate looking fat and lazy and being a beer guzzling beast all in one (too small) t shirt 
 


Indie or foreign films - pretending you are too clever to watch decent films so need something "challenging" for your much larger brain  
 


Ordering oysters - willing to eat something with the consistency of snot and the taste of sea water just to show you are cultured 
 


Wearing a gym kit around town - Helping everyone to really know how fit and cool You are, Honestly. 
 


Multiple Facebook posts in a day - achieving the opposite of making people believe u have a life 
 


Men's drain pipe jeans - so everyone can see you have the genitals of a 3 year old (girl)
 


P plates on a car - I would never have passed if I hadn't been wearing a push up bra 

Heinz tomato soup - turning tomatoes a radioactive orange colour and making then in no way taste like actual tomatoes 



Tesco value beans - 50% liquid 40% bean 
 

BMW M series - for when the only exciting thing in your life is driving over 80mph to work 
 


Hollister, superdry and jack wills - for when you have absolutely no style but it's illegal to leave the house naked 
 


Chronic fatigue syndrome - I also believe in fairies.