What is the point of it all?

What is the point of it all?  

Giving your life goal-oriented direction.

Do you have your own personal life-goals that aren’t related to what magazines tell you, you need or what your friends think are important? Does anything stop you achieving these or, worse, do you not even know what they are?

Recently my best friend (who also happens to be the greatest personal trainer in the world!) made a passing comment in the gym which no one has ever said to me in my 29 years of life before and as such had a profound effect on me. It wasn’t particularly long and maybe not even that insightful to anyone except me, but it changed the way I look at things. He simply asked: “yes, but what is her goal?”

To put this in context we were talking about a slightly rotund, older, lady that regularly uses the gym we use and performs some sort of aerobics/dance steps/Zumba on her own in front of the mirrors in the stretching area. She does this on a weekly basis and doesn’t seem to use the gym for anything else; steadily over time of seeing her on a weekly basis she has become more round and more wobbly.

So what is her goal in coming to the gym? If it is to dance around and have what looks like a fun time then she is achieving that. However, I could probably think of more pleasurable ways of doing this – like in a class of like-minded people or at home in front of a dance fitness DVD if you are more of a solitary creature.  

On the other hand, if her goal of coming to the gym is to lose weight, get fitter or gain muscle she is failing miserably. I can only conjecture on her goals as I haven’t mastered the courage to ask her yet but I wonder if she knows what her goal even is or if she is just mindlessly prescribing to the belief that just by going to the gym makes you healthier; doing the same thing she always does and the only thing she knows on the hopes that she will achieve something, anything, who knows what.

But beyond picking on poor unsuspecting people at the gym to amuse myself this made me look at the world around me and address my own goals and if my actions were working towards achieving these. Am I just blindly plodding on a course set for myself a long time ago? In thinking about this I like to take the inquisitive child approach and ask ‘why, why, yes but why?’ At university I met many people that had come from different backgrounds to me and were certainly working towards very different ambitions, and despite all being highly intelligent people when asked why they were studying medicine many of them had no feasible answer. Of course we all had the stock interview answer ‘to help people’ but few of them could or would give an answer that gave a clearer perception of them as a person.

Indeed there was quite a high attrition rate over the six years I was there and I often wondered if these were the people when asked why they wanted to be a doctor (if they really thought about it) would reply with things like ‘because my parents wanted me to’, ‘ because I was clever at college and didn’t really know what else to do’ or maybe ‘because I thought medicine would be a good way to get lots of money without working too hard’. Wrong on that last account! Whilst I sometimes don’t agree with my sister’s life ethos when talking to me about her career aspirations now she has graduated as a lawyer she tells me that she likes criminal law but there is no money in it so she would rather do something slightly more boring but with greater financial reward. At least she is honest and at least she had goals!

I digress.

In trying to address my life objectives I got quite flummoxed and felt overwhelmed by it all, it’s a massive topic, so decided to break my life down into the main components I felt were important to me. These will likely be very different for other people but for me the main things that matter are my friends and family, my fitness and martial arts, my career and then, widely grouped together, all other hedonistic pursuits such as painting and writing (thus this blog!). I’m sure there are other things I could have included but these would probably be more relevant to what I feel I should think is important rather than what I actually think is. 

For example I don’t care how big the engine on my car is, how many pairs of Manolo Blahnik’s I have, how young I was when I got a promotion, how much my last pay cheque was (as long as it could pay the bills!) or how many vodkas I managed to sink last time I was at the pub.

My goals with relation to my friends and family are to always ensure that they know how much I love them and be there if they should ever need me. I achieve this by telling them all the time and by staying in regular contact with them, whether this is over coffee or a text or a call. I also want them to know that they are my priority in life and I think I show this in loving and caring actions; I generally don’t put something else above them if they need me and I try my hardest to do little, or big, things that I think will make them smile.  I love life and I love them and want the world to know! Well I’ve ticked that box, yay me. Is there anything else I could do better, I’m sure but I am happy in general with this area. 

Are you happy with yours?

My goals in relation to fitness and marital arts are more varied but also more egotistical. I’m not going to lie I want big biceps, toned triceps, ripped abs and lean legs, who doesn’t?! What do I do to achieve this – I do (heavy!) weights three times a week and conditioning three times a week. Am I at my goal yet? No because I have only been doing this for 9 months and because I take a rather lackadaisical approach to my nutrition. No matter how much I want these things I want to enjoy myself more and so won’t pass up on a meal out with my friends or a cheeky afternoon cake and coffee; maybe this is a weakness that I could set a goal to change! Despite wanting these things I also want to do it in a healthy and realistic way, no steroids for me, and if this means slower results then so be it. In terms of my martial arts, I set out wanting to improve my grappling skills and confidence after being choked out in an MMA inter club. I feel happy with my progress in this area after entering some competitions and regularly training, but there is still a fair way to go. Now that I have starting showing progress in this area I want to resume my stand-up fight training to enable me to do an MMA fight and hopefully not get choked again. I am not always exactly on target with these goals and I’m not always awesome at every day of training but I am trying and it gives me a focus so that I am not just numbingly plugging away at the gym with no end in sight. 

What are your fitness goals and aspirations? 

What makes you go to the gym at the end of a long day?

Career, career, career. What can I say about this other than that I view it as a medium to fund my life but refuse to make it the be all and end all of my world. I spent a long time at university training and then spent a few too many years subsisting only to get myself to work, fuel myself at work and then collapse exhausted at the end work. I had no hobbies, I rarely saw my family, I was fat and unmotivated to get fit and I was a mess.  It took a life changing event to make me realise that when I am old and look back on my life (endlessly annoying people with my stories) I want to be able to say I achieved things and I enjoyed myself along the way. My nightmare future self might sit there and say “well I worked really hard and I have lots of money but I didn’t really have time to do anything fun because of all that working.” But I wouldn’t have any friends or family to tell those stories to because I would have made work my priority at the detriment of everything else (and I probably would have died prematurely from too much stress and eating too many canteen chip portions!) So how did I change this and not make work all I did? I applied to work part-time, it took a lot of planning and a lot of paperwork and probably muchly annoyed many admin staff but damn - am I so much happier. And not just happier but I am a better doctor – I go to work and do my job, I smile at the patients and remember tasks I am supposed to do because I haven’t just worked 12 days straight with no breaks and minimal sleep. So in this area I feel I have epically succeeded, and if I think of it in the SMART goal format it is measurable in vast increases in happiness. In terms of my long term work ambitions – well my life may change in the next few years and so I will endeavour to mould my work around this, who knows where it could take me.  

How do you feel about your job? 

Does it make you smile or want to run and hide? 

Is there anything you can change to make it work for you?

Hedonistic pursuits – it is my goal in life to try many new things and do at least one thing every week solely because I enjoy it.  I am of the view that invariably you will only regret the things you didn’t try no the things you did so I am happy to get stuck into anything and accept defeat if it isn’t quite the right thing for me. I have made ‘enjoyment’ one of my main life goal areas because without it what else is there. I have far more interests and do far more new things now than I ever did when I was younger; what changed this? Midway through my university course I needed to get a new job to pay my fees and of course for this job I had to submit a CV. I found this quite easy, I had good skills and could work hard, except when I got to the hobbies and other interests section: it completely stymied me. I had no idea what to put: I liked reading as long as it was only textbooks as I had no time for anything else, I liked watching TV because it was the only thing that allowed me to be brain-dead and not have to concentrate at all, I liked driving if it was all over the county to clinical placements. Then and there I decided that I needed to get a life, I stepped back from my university work and maybe I only ranked in the second quartile not the first and maybe I didn’t get the highest exam grades but I was sane when I graduated. Now I try and stick to my goal of doing something I enjoy as often as I can but at least once a week. I happily enjoy writing and have just been published, I like painting and our walls are full of individual pieces, I make jewellery and beanbags and curtains and I don’t really care if it sounds twee because it makes me happy. 

Do you do anything for yourself? 

Not with anyone else in mind? Something that makes you smile and feel like your sole purpose isn’t being a wife/mother/manager etc.

If this has made you think about where you are in your life and if it’s where you intended then I have also achieved my goal in writing this blog. Not everything goes to plan, I thought I would have a family of my own and be living in America by the time I was 30, and that’s not happening in the next 5 months but that doesn’t mean I haven’t achieved other aspirations. Set yourself some goals, get some direction and treat it as a pleasure to achieve them rather than an arduous slog.

I leave you with this great story I often refer back to when analysing my life and goals:

A boat docked in a tiny Mexican village. An American tourist complimented a fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them.

"Not very long," answered the man.

"But then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" asked the American.

The fisherman explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family.

The American asked, "But what do you do with all your time?"

"I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a siesta with my wife. In the evenings, I go into the village to see my friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs...I have a full life."

The American interrupted, "I have an MBA and I can help you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat. With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant."

"How long would that take?" asked the Mexican.

"Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years," replied the American.

"And after that?"

"Afterwards? That's when it gets really interesting," answered the American, laughing. 

"When your business gets really big, you can start selling stock and make millions!"

"Millions? Really? And after that?"

"After that -- and this is the best part -- you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, catch a few fish, take a siesta, and spend your evenings drinking and enjoying your friends!"

Happiness what are you?

Happiness what are you?

Signs and symptoms of sad insides

I have been both happy and unhappy, in the depths of despair and deliriously ecstatic, blue and bright; and it is only by having been all of these things that I can now know I am truly happy. I don’t claim to be an expert (although being a Doctor maybe I should) I write only from my experience. Retrospective, introspective, reflective practice has led me to look back on my life and typify the cardinal features of my times when I felt despondent, discontent and dejected.

1.You are trying to fill the holes inside you with “stuff”

You may not be at the stage where you are willing to admit to this, you are still trying to convince yourself that you need all of those things, NEED them I tell you, and who am I to question what you do with your money. And you are right, but I’m not talking about the occasional treat here, rather the driving conviction that if you just have that purchase, that ‘thing’, you life will be complete. I’m sure many people have been there in their lives – ‘if I just get that smoothie maker I could eat healthy all the time and lose weight’, if I buy that expensive dress I will feel sexy and wanted’, ‘If I acquire that shiny Filofax I will be on time and organized always’. It may sound silly written down in black and white as opposed to a voice floating around in your head but that doesn’t make them any less true. The truth is that nothing external will make you feel happy, or organized or feel good about yourself, because that sort of thing has to come from internally. 

If you don’t want to change, or even cage your ideas and outlook, then no amount of spending is going to fix that. In fact if everyone who wanted to achieve something waited until conditions were perfect in any aspect of their life then nothing would ever get accomplished. Happiness doesn’t relate to how much you have, or how much you think you need and trying to follow this route will invariably leave you lonely and unsatisfied. I have released it is only when my life is unfulfilling do I start to think products of any type can cure me. 

My lesson from this is to look inside, not outside, yourself.

2. You are jealous of happy people (meaning you try to emulate them or just downright hate them)

You find yourself gazing longingly at contented, organized, happy, healthy people and making excuses as to why they have it all and you don’t. You deserve happiness just as much as them surely? Why is life so unfair?! What are your excuses for their obvious satisfaction? They feel loved and wanted because they have a loving and supportive partner. They don’t have to worry about money because they have a good job. They are so confident and vivacious because they are slim and fit. The list could go on and on with situation specific justifications but really it is their own behaviors, actions and habits that have led them to happiness. They have a nice partner? Did they achieve this by being a good person themselves and by exhibiting behaviors to meet the kind of people they want? Maybe they joined a club to meet people with like interests or maybe they value their own self-worth and get to know someone before rushing into being involved. Perhaps they didn’t find their beau trawling nightclubs for men in an inebriated mess. That good job? That required hard work and effort put in, maybe not now or maybe not visibly but they have been through the long hours and low wages to get where they are. 

Most people with a job they enjoy worked to get there and it wasn’t just ‘plonked’ in their lap. That body you envy? Instead of sitting down and just watching television every night that person gets up and moves – they run, they go to the gym, they might even spin! – even if they might not feel like it they make the effort. The work’s night out doesn’t involve 6 pints of beer and a kebab on the way home. In fact I could probably rant on forever about people’s conduct that seems to run counter-intuitive to everything they say they want to achieve.  In reality it is all a matter of choices of what they want more. The point being that all of the attributes you admire are the result of conscious decisions and effort not some magical wish fairy. Successful people, however you measure success, are where they are from a result of their own convictions not from bitching about why they aren’t as happy/healthy/rich as other people.

My lesson from this is to cultivate actions that match to my words.

3. You feel that life is unfair and that you have been disadvantaged/ill-treated/out-upon

We all know someone like this usually – they have a chip on their shoulder and regularly use syntax like unlucky or hapless or wretched when referring to their life. Most of all, and most importantly, is that they always, always have a focus of blame for their ‘failures’ that is far removed from them. If you are thinking that you don’t know someone like this then maybe you are that person! They can be characterized when you hear them saying such things as: “I never stood a chance in the body stakes really, both of my parents are fat. Its just in my genes” or “I couldn’t ever be a manager because of my background, its prejudice I tell you. In fact I might report this to the union” or what about “its my asthma (insert any other random illness/complaint here) that is stopping me getting fit”. I have been that person complaining, about falling behind on uni work because I work two jobs, however, the two main things I hate about this attitude is that, firstly you are assuming failure before you have even begun. Secondly, they are acting as if they have no control or say over their own life. 

By doing both of these things though they are avoiding failure (or maybe ensuring it?) by making no attempt and absolving themselves of all blame. It may seem as if I am being overly judgmental of these types of people, belittling their medical conditions and using words like ‘failure’ or ‘blame’. BUT these words only hold as much connotations as the beholder lets them. If a person secretly feels that they haven’t accomplished to the level they could or should have just the word failure may send them into a rage. Compare this to someone who has tried and done their best who will ignore the term failure and let it roll over them. The professional fighter that has gone three rounds and lost on decision – he doesn’t feel a failure because he got in the ring and tried; even though he didn’t win he learnt. The dinner party host that burns dessert – she doesn’t feel a failure because she has got all her friends together and now they are all having a good laugh at the burnt cake. The amputee running the London marathon who takes seven hours – they don’t feel a failure because not only did they enter they completed it. 

These are examples of people who have made the effort, done the work and tried – even if they didn’t accomplish what they set out to do they were still in control of their choices and their life. Taking control of your own life does make you accountable for it but it is also much more likely to make you happy with it. Take the energy from making excuses and put it into making positive changes then you will your own ship to steer to paradise. 

My lesson from this is to make the best of your circumstances rather than complaining about them.

4. Following on from point 3 …….. You whine a lot about aspects of your life you dislike but do nothing to initiate change.

Yes everyone has problems and things they don’t like about themselves or their life but happy people think of solutions or ways around these rather than ruminating and vocalizing. If they are aggravated by a system at work that is inefficient they audit this and manage the change cycle. If they are unhappy with the copious hours their partner spends at work they address this with them and move on. If they feel overwhelmed or unsatisfied with a part of their lives they get a hobby or work towards a new skill. Whatever they do, it is proactive. What they do not do is focus on a problem, talking about it and stewing about it, letting it negatively impact their lives. They may not always come up with a successful solution and they may need help from their friends and colleagues but the salient feature is that they try. In that way they are also seeking to gain control of their life: nothing is beyond change if you can just envisage it. 

A defeatist attitude will generally lead to defeat; people throughout history who have succeeded aren’t afraid of change or trying or even of going against the grain – Google it if you don’t believe me! Encountering something that irritates or sadden you on a repeated basis would bring anyone down. A happy person realises this and realises that they have the power to change it. 

My lesson from this is to not accept substandard, work to make it perfect (and if you don’t succeed try and try again)

5. You are constantly looking towards the next big event rather than enjoying the here and now.

Don’t get me wrong, everyone looks forward to parties, weddings,  holidays etc because if they didn’t there would be no point in going to them. What I am talking about is the black miserable cloud that hangs over your daily life, a deep-rooted boredom or a sinking feeling of doom upon waking each day. The only tunnel of light in the monotony of your existence is the holiday that you have been saving up for or the wedding or your birthday party (insert personalized event here). These are the only things that keep you going on a daily basis whilst you push through the haze of life; not really living just existing. Your goal may be just to pay the bills each month and you experience no joy in everyday life. To use a cliché – life really is a journey not just a destination and if that weren’t the case then everyone would just be rushing to get to their graves. I also feel I may have started to sound like my old nan because I keep telling people life is a precious gift to be enjoyed and the present is just that. It is what I truly believe, you could spend all your time planning for tomorrow and never living in the moment and tomorrow may not come so you will have just wasted the time you had. 

Remember when you were a child and everything was new and wondrous, when you were slightly older and felt free and elated just to be outside running and playing, or later in life when you stop to appreciate a beautiful sunrise. Something about the hardness of life sometimes makes us forget these things, the world around us doesn’t change, we do. I am not saying we can all run around in light-up, sparkly trainers pulling each others pigtails and I know in many instances we need to be ‘grown up’ but if you feel life dragging you down you will stop appreciating the little things that make you smile. This just exacerbates your mood and feelings. If you feel hurried and rushed you won’t be able to spare that ten minutes for morning coffee and newspapers and you will just feel more rushed and harassed. It is in many ways a vicious cycle that leads to feeling burdened by living itself. 

Take time to save time, embrace your inner child and realize that invariably what you are worrying about is not life and death. At the end of each week write down just one thing you have down that you enjoy or just solely to make you happy, this isn’t selfish, it is salvation. 

My lesson from this is to take a step back from how involved you are in things sometimes and see the world as if through a child’s eyes (you will probably want to laugh at yourself).

6. Your mood is all over the place and only slight changes can send you flying off the handle or crying in a corner.

A lack of homeostasis in your internal environment can lead to serious inabilities to deal with external factors. You may find yourself raging because your partner didn’t text you back quickly enough or because your mother-in-law disagreed with you over what colour curtains are nicest: you have a large reaction to a relatively innocuous event. Think about this – what are you really angry about? This recent minuscule annoyance, or the deeper-seated anger at yourself for not being happy, at your life for not being perfect, at your head for not being able to deal with matters. Similarly with uncontrollable excessive sadness – are you really sobbing because you broke a mug or because your normal state is constantly trying to hold your sorrow back and any little thing can break this dam. These reactions are not normal, but neither are they wrong, merely they are a symptom of an underlying issue that you haven’t addressed or don’t want to address. Without addressing it though, it will not go away, it may fluctuate in it’s degree or intensity but it will always be there; the rate at which it worsens is varying but almost certain. 

If you are this person you need to face into yourself and your fears and not let them take over your life. Anything traumatic enough to have affected you in such a way doesn’t deserve the chance to further ruin your life. 

My lesson from this is to always talk to the people close to you and never run away from your fears, tackle them.

7. You slate, deride and undermine other people to make you feel better about yourself.

Sometimes when you are less than happy with yourself it seems that by making other people feel bad this somehow exonerates your own deficiencies. This may involve down-right nastiness or more commonly the back-handed compliment – “that looks so lovely on you. Most women your weight just could not pull something like that off.” They are very quick to point out any negatives they see, invent any that they don’t see and ignore or demean any positives. These are the type of people that like to surround themselves with people they feel superior to (mentally, physically or emotionally) so that they can always feel like they are the best. When put in a situation out of their own environment or context they will often be apprehensive and feel vulnerable in case someone spots their faults. These type of people derive their self-worth from the compliments and praise of others and if this is not forthcoming they satisfy themselves by criticizing others. 

Can you remember the last time a stranger complimented your outfit or your boss liked your work – how did this make you feel? Think about the feeling of happiness it gave you and now imagine how it feels to be put down and mocked. Gaining pleasure from ridiculing others does nothing to make you happier and frankly it just makes you look pathetic. Don’t be negative towards other people or behind their back, instead try to infect them with your joy. Realize how warm it makes you feel inside to make someone else smile. 

My lesson from this is to always tell people when I think they have done something well or made a positive change in themselves.

Has any of this made sense to you or do you think I am nothing but a ranting fool? The point of this blog, other than catharsis, was to emphasise the importance of happiness above all else; seconded only by the importance of time. Both things are often elusive but can be sought in your life if you are just willing to try. I tried and I'm living the dream!